Who I was..

1 Cor. 1:26-31
'Look at who you were when you were called into this life? (Revised Message)

This hit me this morning. I remembered back to my pitiful self and thought for a moment of who I was, and who I wanted to be. I was a broken, mad, mess of a person.

Now I asked Jesus to be in my life when I was 5, but I never really said 'yes' to Him till much later. What I mean when I say that is yes, I was a Christian, Jesus was a big part of my life and I had my 'fire insurance', but I never really fully surrendered, or gave Him my whole life until a short time ago. Truth is, I didn't know how and I didn't want to. I was afraid He would take all the fun and control out of it. My heart yearned for a closer walk with Him, but I wasn't willing to let things go. I liked having a little control to myself, thinking I had the right as a human being to carry my offenses and other's like a big, wet, sticky, wool blanket, because deep down, it felt good. I had every right to be angry if someone did me wrong, and I liked the way it felt. 

After some time, I wasn't feeling good, I was just tired. Tired of having to control situations I had no business controlling, tired of feeling angry even though on the outside I was as happy as could be. My joy wasn't easy. It was work. Deep down in my heart, I knew there had to be a better way to this 'life'. I wanted real freedom and joy. The cool thing is, God knew that all along. He was just waiting for me to say 'yes'. 

"are you done?" He smiles. 
'yes'. I say.  
"ok". Still smiling. 

It was only about 3 years ago that I fully gave up and said 'yes'. I can assure you it has not been an easy road, but it has been so fulfilling in more ways than I can say or imagine. He has known all along my deepest hearts desires, my wanting for more, and yet He never rushed me. He patiently waited for me to get 'over' myself. I love that about Him, it gives His words 'I stand at the door and knock' a little different meaning. 

Where are you today with your walk with your Father? He sees who we were truly made to be. No matter what you look like today, He knows who He created you to be. Ask Him who that person is. When your ready, He is waiting with a smile on His face and open arms. Get ready for the ride of your life.